No. 2: Kind of embarrassing...

On another day, I may be embarrassed that 4+ drafts of No. 2 exist in my newsletter app, but today is today and I'm feeling relatively good so I'll let it slide (sometimes it's as simple as that)!

Maybe I was a little bit overwhelmed by the idea of trying to...follow up. My feelings go unchecked...

"I *know* myself too well. I'm not *good* at sharing something clearly. I'm not *capable* of follow through. I haven't *shown* my consistency or worth"...all "evidenced" by what I feel like other people see, say, or suggest. I have a spark or an idea and then I find myself wrapped up in what other people's potential expectations are before it even exists and then *poof* it may never see the day.

In many ways, this is the way I've learned to prioritize in life. It's so much easier to give others authority and respect - like working late for your boss, or forcing yourself out of bed early when you have a client to answer to. Why is it so hard to give ourselves that level of respect that we give to others? I can point back to several instances in my life where I agreed to longer hours, taking an inconvenient route, or attending an event that didn't bring me comfort and joy, but somehow those feelings were less important than the results.

and tbh, that fear runs deep in this email list! I started with thoughts and ideas but I don't know the final outcome from the very start and that's scary - what will the last newsletter look like and address? what if someone is already doing this in a more valuable way than I?

Some of you on this list know me as a childhood friend, some of you a co-worker, and some of you I have never even met in person. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around what each of you may "want" to hear from me in a newsletter or why you've stayed connected this long.

But how freeing...finally all of these different slices of life begin to connect me more wholly in who I am. Because I can't write this and predict who will read and how you will read it. I have no outward option, so that energy cycles back inwards.

Can you visualize this energy as a constant cycle? We can't overfocus on one or the other, or else the entire circle gets held up. If we buckle down on our needs, or focus so much on self care that we are unable to compromise, communicate, or consider the sum experience, we are just as unbalanced as this constant focus on what other people prefer or experience.

I really enjoyed this post from @peopleiveloved. This subject has come up quite a bit amongst my day to day conversations with friends (and in therapy lately)....

and I'm inspired by one conversation with you, R, and your commitment to kindness, in the face of things that feel too overwhelming and complex to wrap our heads around. What if we approach everything with a lens of kindness - not niceties? Turn that kindness to ourselves and our approach to others and it will cycle through time and time again. Ahh, you made me think of no. 37294 in the drafts...so here we go

(un)fortunately, growth is more of a spiral than a straight line

I struggle with growth and self-work. Not the act of doing so, but the overall bigger picture. Because it's one challenge to turn our awareness to patterns and cycles that we tend to lean into, and then when you get to a place of awareness and there IS breakthrough -- there's more growth and we have to find the ability to let things go? Or slide in and out of those old patterns time and time again? And then have space to integrate the growth...

...and then it's perfect timing to start it all over again. It's scary! A never ending cycle that we won't ever get out of.

The good news is, I can now embrace a slow, steady re-emergence. There is no path forward, which means there is no possibility of straying from the path. If one thing leads to another cycle and another wheel, I know I will end up right back where I started - equipped with unshakeable and irreversible experience and knowledge.

And I will not hold myself to someone else's fabricated timeline - only you know the cycles you keep ending back up on!

my global loop

Here's the short of the big life update - I keep joking that I completed a literal loop around the world. It's kind of a joke but recently I made pitstops in Europe, Qatar, Vietnam, Japan, Hawai'i, and now back to the good old Northeast season. (I think my brain may still be in another time zone or something). It demanded so much fluidity and so much flexibility, something I've always embraced as so "me". But maybe I overdosed on these patterns of outward focus of fluidity.

I have been struggling to keep myself grounded since then, and being back makes it even harder. How do I update my family, or each friend I see, on just what I did, what I saw, where I struggled, and where I grew? Who AM I after all of those pitstops? Does travel really change us or force us to shed layers that we tried to pack along?

Traveling will always be incredible. Not everyone experiences something positive, but it can be quite invigorating. The lesson may be that just being in new and exciting places with people you love...it doesn't change that there are days that you question, moments that drag you out to learn, and feelings that bring up the lowest of thoughts and adolescent behaviors.

These are cycles that we have to have. The highs feel so high and the lows feel so very low. But in the end, you are still you. You are the common denominator. You are the factor of steady, strong, unshakeable faith.

It IS the fact that our universe, our calendar, and the nature around us is filled with CYCLES that brings me a sense of peace. Even if we don't follow them all or know when they come, we have risen to the occasion time and time again. These seasons, these behaviors, these pieces of growth...even when cyclical living means that bad habits are hard to break and challenges may linger from year to year and season to season, the world around us is reminding us that there's always an ending and new beginning, you will never miss your chance if you look back for the next wave, ready your surfboard, push up off the ground, and let the cycle give you a little push.

a moving meditation for steady strength

I wrote this meditation back in December - for the winter solstice. I was thinking about these cycles. I was slowly mulling over these thoughts. And before I knew it, a new season had come and gone! But there is no rush, no matter who or what tells you that there is. And resisting that and reframing that may be one of the biggest challenges in this cycle!

If you have just 1 minute right now...I invite you to sit down and reaffirm just how steady you are in this meditation break. You can close your eyes or meet yourself right where you're at. It's about building a practice of being in your body.

How do you feel? Are cycles a comforting thing for you to think about? Panic? Or both?

xx Emily